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Top 10 Unfitting Characters

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When you’re making a cast of pirates, do you ever think of putting a bouncy ball in amongst the crew? Not really. When you’re making a story about war, do you ever think of putting scantily clad ladies all over it? Probably not. What about those times you’re designing a fantasy RPG and you design one of the main characters to be… A robot? Ah well, at least we remember these characters, right?

These characters stand out amongst the crowd; they’re odd-balled, they’re different and that’s why we remember them the most. They are against the grain of the rest of their cast – And today we’re listing down our Top 10 most Unfitting Characters. STOP! Before we continue with this, just be aware: If a whole series is weird, chances are the character actually fits in.


Top 10

10) Tails Doll – Sonic Racing R

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The Tails Doll, a character who is so insignificant, so useless and so basically average that you’d hardly believe that they’d put it in the game at all. Let alone the fact that it’s a character that didn’t exist within the Sonic universe before going into Sonic Racing R, you’ve got what’s basically just a filler character who barely fits in with the lore and mythos of the Sonic world. Yes: There’s definitely a lore behind it, don’t question it.

However, one thing that constantly bewilders me is the fact that this little weird possessed doll became one of the biggest talking points of the game. From the Evil Tails Doll Curse, to the Acid Remix of Can You Feel The Sunshine, it’s really out of place for the rest of this rather happy go lucky Mario Kart clone. Still: You can’t really blame them for adding a character like this into the game… He even ended up going into the comics as an evil doll.

9) Manta – Shaman King

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Manta is really small, which isn’t too much of a surprise with a name like that. He’s tiny, he’s got a strange haircut, we know him as Morty in the English dubs of Shaman King and he’s a smart guy. In fact, he’s probably one of, if not the smartest guy in the entire anime. But there’s always been a small feeling of aloofness about him – Like, he’s not all there. Almost as if he’s strung along by Yoh just because he has nothing better to do.

I don’t know why Manta decides to journey through the incredibly dangerous Shaman King tournament, but he seems to stay around because he’s friends with Yoh. Morty isn’t a shaman, but he can see spirits. He isn’t strong, but he’s smart. He isn’t even all that brave, except for rare circumstances, but you know what? The series wouldn’t have been the same without his worrying.

8) Twoflower – Discworld

The Colour of MagicSean Astin as Twoflower©RHI/Bill Kaye

The Disc is filled with people and narratives that point a big fat finger to real-world things and says “This is you, this is what you look like, you burk.” and no one but no one does that quite so overtly as Twoflower, the little man from the Counterweight Continent who goes on holiday and starts a revolution. He doesn’t quite fit in around Ankh-Morpork, as a generally quite dingy and unpleasant city a man with a cheerful disposition and a penchant for offensively colourful shirts stands out a mile, and yet he doesn’t quite fit in at home either.

He is, in every regard, the oddball, and that makes Rincewind a perfect companion because though he looks the part and generally fits in a whole lot better in society, he’s not exactly full-blown wizard material himself. However out of the entire cast of characters from the glorious Discworld series, say if they were laid out à la one of those Simpsons character ensembles, Twoflower would light up like a beacon.

7) Monkey – Time Splitters

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This little monkey packs a serious punch. I mean, it’s literally just a monkey and the game is very happy to tell you this over and over again. From the first Time Splitters, where the Monkey’s entry simply says “It’s a monkey” to Time Splitters 2, where the entry is updated to “Yep, it’s still a monkey”. He’s not a durable character, he’s not even all that great – but he can still wield a gun like it’s nobodies business.

The oddness of the Monkey knows no bounds. From it’s little ooks and aaks, to the fact that it’s simply a joke character, the fact that this Monkey became the mascot of the game is both hilarious and odd. They could have chosen the rather witty characters from this shooter, but they chose the goddamn Monkey!! Also, don’t get me started on just how many times I was killed by this little Monkey in the multiplayer modes.

6) Tex – Red vs Blue

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Amidst the warring teams of idiots duking it out in a box canyon of absolutely no strategic value it seems like a single well-trained individual would be able to massacre both sides* and get out unscathed, but it just wouldn’t be funny like the rest of the series. Red vs Blue began life fourteen years ago in the early days of the internet creativity boom, a crude animation made in the Halo multiplayer. Now it’s immense, and creators at Rooster Teeth are now a major animation studio, thanks in no small part to Tex.

Tex is a badass mercenary gone renegade from an elite military unit who brings a layer of seriousness to the comedy stylings of Red team and Blue team, acting as a “straight-guy” to their “funny-guy”. She’s better trained, in fact she’s the best, and she’s mostly there to save the Blood Gulch boys from all of the terrible forces that want them dead! And she also spends much of that time listening to their arguments and non-sequiturs wondering why she’s going to all the trouble.

*This link has rude words AND AN AWESOME FIGHT SCENE but it gets a little too rude for this site.

5) Tingle – The Legend of Zelda

tingle_artwork_majoras_maskIf you know anything about The Legend of Zelda, it’s that some characters seemingly don’t know when to quit. Even Link, the hero of Hyrule, is barely able to stop for a second. Tingle, meanwhile, depending on the game you see him in, is either a collector, a fan or other. Tingle is annoying and we all get annoyed when we see his stupid face around. Couple that face with the stupid green spandex he wears, damn it Tingle, why are you even in this game?!

But he does serve a purpose, so it’s not all lost. However, just because he serves a purpose, it doesn’t really mean he should be there. In all honesty, he wasn’t too bad in Minish Cap, when really he mostly served as a way to deal with all of the Kinstones. He’s been around since Majora’s Mask, so you can bet your butt that he’s not going anywhere soon. Actually, probably not a bad idea, considering he usually has useful stuff on him. Let the fairy fantasizer be, I guess.

4) Kon – Bleach

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I feel like somewhere in Shonen Jump’s contract there is a requirement for a fluffy and adorable character, or just some bracket with “Grim and Gritty” at one end and “Childish and Adorable” at the other, and all Shonen Jump properties must fall somewhere inside that bracket. So in a world of lost and murderous souls put down by a semi-divine enforcement agency with a solemn duty to save the living from the dead… put in a teddy bear. Make him wear a dress sometimes.

Kon… why? He serves the very occasional purpose for a story, or maybe he just gets a narrative of his own from time to time, and it’s usually better than the filler arcs. He’s a constructed artificial soul placed into a vessel that he brings to life, and while he’s mostly there to occupy Ichigo’s body while he’s on Shinigami duty and saving the world, off-duty he lives inside a fluffy teddy… maybe a lion? On the bright side, he’s just as irritated about the whole thing as we are.

3) Chiaotzu – Dragon Ball

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This one has always confused me, because Chiaotzu is a tiny little human. A tiny human who has always seemingly been able to fly. A tiny human who has always been at the side of Tien and a tiny human who doesn’t look at all like the rest of the humans from Dragon Ball. Now, don’t get me wrong: Dragon Ball is full of ridiculous characters, as we all know and love it for… But Chiaotzu? He seriously seems more out of place than the rest. I’ve never been able to put my finger on it before, but now I think I know why he’s so misplaced.

According to the Dragon Ball Wiki, he’s supposed to be like a Chinese Vampire. From the way he floats around the place, to the way he attacks with his arms stretched out, he seemingly is a perfect fit to this description. Even the white skin and red cheeks are a reference. Dragon Ball is full of myths and fantasy stories: Heck, it was originally even a loose adaptation on The Journey to the West… But Vampires..?

2) Squirrel Girl – Marvel

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Ok, so Marvel have got just about everything in their arsenal so far as superheroes go. Every viable superpower from the incredible to the insignificant, the terrible to the ridiculous. If a reasonable backstory cannot be conjured then the mutations of the X-Men can always fill in the blanks. That Squirrel Girl exists is not a shock, at most it’s a mild surprise, and the only reasonable response is “Seriously?”, to be repeated, louder, when you find out she’s one of the most powerful heroes in the Marvel Universe!

Doreen Green is a human with squirrel attributes born of some odd genetic quirk, a long fluffy tail, robust buck-teeth, claws, agility, and yes, the power to talk with squirrels. With this incredible arsenal of abilities she has killed Thanos, bested Deadpool, and turned aside Galactus himself. She’s good enough to beat Wolverine in a straight fist-fight (no claws allowed), she’s got her own Iron-Suit, and amongst the foremost members of the Great Lakes Avengers.

But she’s a SQUIRREL! And she made friends with the World Eater! Deadpool just doesn’t hold up to that, so if you were expecting him on this list then clearly my friend, you don’t know Squirrel Girl.

1) Giygas – Earthbound

Giygas is literally the embodiment of evil. That’s what it represents; that’s what it is. It’s pure hatred in an ethereal form. It’s also a villain that we’ve grown to both fear and respect at the same time. From that menacing music, to the frightful appearance of Giygas, this is a terrifying concept for most people, as he says some of the creepiest dialogue in the game. Words like “I… Feel… H..A..P..P..Y.” Creepy.

However, Giygas is probably one of the most unfitting characters of any video game made to date. Earthbound is renowned for being really surreal and silly. I mean, one of the enemies is the New Age Retro Hippy, who likes to get rulers out and measure… Stuff. We don’t know what, but that’s one of his attacks. Couple this with the colourful characters, the zany plot and the lovable story behind it, Giygas comes completely out of the blue. Even though you spend the whole game preparing for it.


Honourable Mentions

Okay, we’ve seen some downright weird characters today. But don’t you worry, we’re not finished yet. Here are two more examples of characters that really do not fit within their properties… But yet, they kind of do in a story-related fashion. You’ll see what we mean…

Mr Poopybutthole – Rick and Morty

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Here’s an example that makes itself. The little yellow blob in the top hat joins the cast of Rick and Morty during an episode that generates all manner of kooky and poorly conceived characters like Bacon Samurai, Reverse Giraffe and Pencylvester. All of them are introduced through a series of flashbacks that make it seem like they’ve been in the series the whole time, but they’re all parasites that shapeshift into wild characters to prey on those whose trust they acquire.

The way to spot a parasite is to check your memory to see if you have any bad memories of the beloved part of your family. If they’ve never shot you, kicked you in the face or abandoned you to some terrible fate then they’re a parasite, and need to be killed. They clear out the house of all of these crazy and wacky characters they once thought were friends and settle back down to a meal of the crummiest people in the family… and Mr Poopybutthole. Oh but it turns out that he’s real, which we find out when Beth shoots him and hurts a real friend, a friend who has never hurt her.

I guess sometimes it pays to fit in, just a little more. Mr Poopybutthole is there to stand out, to be “wrong” compared to the others, because he’s the punchline to an episode that makes a huge joke out of badly introduced characters who just don’t work.

Khajiit and Argonians – The Elder Scrolls

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Not a character, but there’s something a little jarring about the bestial races of the Elder Scrolls games when you first begin. Having the sapient cats and lizards pop up in the choices for playable races mixed in amongst the variations of Man and Mer starts out as unusual until you get used to seeing them around, and their particular cultural quirks, and in Morrowind being unable to wear boots or helmets was a nuisance, albeit one that made sense.

They never seem more out of place than in Skyrim however. Cold blooded Argonians in the freezing north? Desert dwelling Khajiit treading the snow instead of the warm sands they adore? There are opportunities for them both in the proud nation, more so than for the displaced Dunmer who are hated and shunned by the more nationalist Nords, but I cannot imagine that any one of them would rather be anywhere but home.


Okay, now will you kindly stop sending me pictures of Jelly Jiggler? I understand he’s pretty weird, but we’ve been through this: Some series are just too weird to have any one unfitting character. But alas, we’re done with weirding everyone out with these rather odd characters who happen to just be there. It’s time for you all to help us for our next Top 10 – I wonder how fitting these selections will be?

That’s it for this week, we can finally stop thinking about the evil that is Giygas. Hopefully, we’ll be saved by the unbeatable Squirrel Girl and who knows… Perhaps Chiaotzu will finally have a new use. But what did you make of this really rather unfitting list? Did we do good, or did we do bad? Did we order the list the way you would have? As always, let us know what you think in the comments below, or over on Facebook, Twitter or Reddit.


Top 10 Cats in Gaming

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Sometimes you just have to sit back and cuddle into a sweet fluff ball called a cat and say “N’aww, come here kitty kitty” whilst it rolls around and claws your hands and arms off. With its sharp, needle like teeth and its piercing eyes, it’s no wonder we’re obsessed with cats all over the world.

However, these games look to expose the truth and show you that cats are to be taken seriously in some way shape or form. This then is our special feline edition of Top 10. Don’t go anywhere, yarn-lovers, here comes the fuzzy list of the best cats in gaming!

 


Top 10

10. Big the Cat – Sonic

Big almost didn’t make the cut.

See, the problem with Big is that it’s quite hard to recognise as a cat, which sadly I find to be true of a lot of the characters in the Sonic franchise. Please don’t hate me for saying that, Sonic lovers, as some of the characters make sense aesthetically, such as Sonic himself.

Never the less, Big the Cat is a relatively popular character within the Sonic multi-verse and heck: He was voiced by two legends in voice acting. He was first voiced by Jon St. John, also known as Duke Nukem (Amongst others). But to sweeten the deal further, he has also been voiced by Kyle Hebert, also known as Dragonball Z Narrator! “Will Sonic and his friends ever be reacquainted with the awesome vocals of Big the Cat? Find out next time…”, you get the picture.
 

9. Cait Sith – Final Fantasy VII

Make no bones about it, Cait Sith is a memorable character from the legendary Final Fantasy 7.

Be it that he’s a remote controlled plush-toy cat, or be it that in combat he rides a giant “fat Moogle” into battle, who cares? Honestly, the combination is both hilarious and amazing to see. Controlling the Moogle through the megaphone in its hand, but all the while being controlled by a man who’s not on the battlefield with you, the point is: this is a killer teddy cat!

We didn’t play Cait higher as he doesn’t do things for himself. He’s unfortunately remote controlled and as such, he doesn’t quite get there. At least he’s a playable character who added quite a bit of variety to the typical moody teenager roles that are customary for JRPG’s of its time!

 

8. Catfish – Castle Crashers

The flash sidescrolling hack and slash was filled with comedic moments, from the highly-strung trolls to the perpetually kidnapped princesses, but nothing beats a good pun. And just such a pun rises from the rapids in the form of the mighty Catfish!

As you pursue the enemies of the King and his abducted daughters along the river, a bear on the back of a freshwater-feline attacks with massive claws, frothing fangs and massive floating hairballs. It’s a tough baddie to beat, and a pretty disgusting one at that, but you get to enjoy it’s death-meows as it sinks back, and leaves you to go on your way.

 

7. Bubsy – Bubsy the Bobcat

Sega and SNES fans rejoice, as we couldn’t leave the furred kind out of this list!

From his snarky personality to his trademark exclamation point t-shirt, Bubsy resonates exactly what we’d expect of an anthropomorphic cat. To fight his enemies, he pounces on them and claws at them. He then talks with a very catty tongue and he really doesn’t like getting wet.

He puffs up when he shakes himself off, he can fall some heights but not too high a height (naturally). He can glide and he collects yarn balls. Ultimately then, Bubsy is a one of a kind feline. After all – cats aren’t supposed to fly, are they? At least Bubsy always lands on his feet!

 

6. Meowth – Pokemon

Meowth is an old favourite. In the anime, a unique talking Meowth was sidekick to the bungling Team Rocket agents Jessie and James, and delivered most of the comedy content that was worth a damn. But why was a Meowth picked for the life of crime?

Those who’ve played the games may be aware that the oval shape on Meowth’s head is actually a stolen coin, and that the pokemon itself has a magpie-like obsession with shiny objects, and gained powers like payday that allowed it to steal money from trainers that attacked it.

No cat pokemon has ever been all that powerful, but Meowth will go down forever as the best of a bad bunch, and a brilliantly memorable character.

 

5. Displacer Beast – Dungeons  & Dragons

Yet another D&D staple creature makes the list. The Displacer Beast is an intelligent extra-planar panther with six legs and a pair of writhing tentacles emerging from its’ back. It’s a weird image for sure, but why does a mutant cat make the list?

Trying to look directly at a Displacer Beast is no small feat, as it possesses the simple magical ability to appear to be roughly a few feet from its’ actual location, making it impossible to land a hit against it. That annoying little feature has seen it appear in every edition in the first Monster Manual of each, including the next one (out in two weeks time, check back for my review).

 

4. Khajiit – The Elder Scrolls

Throughout the Elder Scrolls series there have been the pervasive, nomadic, and untrustworthy cat people, the Khajiit. Broadly known as pickpockets, skooma addicts and liars, the Khajiit, from the country of Elsweyr are actually fighting hard to find a place in a world that treats them with suspicion and hatred. They are, however, a crowd favourite, for their philosophies, distinctive accents, and the fact that they’re walking cat people.

To get a really good idea of what the Khajiit are all about, read the in-game book Ahziir Trajijazeri. It portrays the struggle of their rebellion against the empire, and shows exactly how cat-like these people are to their very core, but the book also features my favourite thing written about the Khajiit:

We confidently smile because we know our victory in the end is assured. And we know our smiles drive our enemies insane.

 

3. You – Catlateral Damage

I found this wonderful game thanks to 1001-Up’s Phil.

So you basically are playing this game through the eyes of a cat. You are a cat and the whole purpose of this game is to be a cat… and cause as much destruction and mayhem in the house as possible.

With points to score for the best destruction, you’d better be quick and efficient as a clawed champion. Need to get through that door? No problem, just pounce at the handle. Need to strike a box down? That’s why you have paws! Swat, claw, scratch, pounce: Go mad! Destroy the house! Enjoy those satisfying swat sounds as your paw swishes away objects – just because you can.

 

2. Ajani Goldmane – Magic: The Gathering

The mighty lion, lord of the planes of the multiverse, and embodiment of the purifying power of white mana, Ajani is a planeswalker who has proven to be the strongest ally to many other planeswalkers, and holds a prominent place in MTG’s immense storyline. He holds many titles, The Vengeant, The Steadfast, Caller of the Pride and Mentor of Heroes, fighting to shed the title he was given as a cub, the White Death.

And Ajani just looks awesome. A massive white-furred lion capable of walking between worlds, wielding a massive double-axe, and his cards are a must-have for most white decks.

 

1. Cheshire Cat – American McGee’s Alice

 

Just listen to it!

The Cheshire Cat is one of the most important characters in American McGee’s Alice games. Sporting one of the creepiest voices in video gaming, Cheshire Cat acts as your narrator and guide throughout the game. He teaches you the ropes in your twisted, warped wonderland and he edges you on to do better.

You feel like you have to follow what this cat says, plus with his disease-like looks, it’s no wonder this Cheshire Cat gets the number 1 spot. We take this cat very seriously. His voice might be familiar to you, that’s because he voiced Mojo Jojo from the PowerPuff Girls!

You meet him very early in the games and you take him through to the end of the games. You become emotionally invested in this character, hoping to see his… Friendly/Fiendly face once more. Let’s not lie about it: This is a cat of nightmares that we’d not want to wake up from. No wonder Alice envisioned him to help her through her wonderland.

 


Honourable mentions

These cats were cool, but no matter how cool they are, they just couldn’t hang with the hippest cats around. We still like them though, so check our our two honourable mentions for cats in gaming. Let’s be honest: They deserve the mention!

 

Catz – Petz series

Yes, this is basically as “cat” as you can get in a video game. You literally are simulating looking after your very own pet cat. It doesn’t seem reasonable to put them in the Top 10 itself as there’s nothing particularly special about these pets of yours.

The problem the Petz series have is that it’s quite a serious pet simulator. Whilst Catlateral Damage came in at number 3 for its outright zany-ness, Catz is too serious and too normal. At least with Catz you can have your very own fuzz ball on screen. I will happily admit: It’s cute and it is a great time waster if you’re not looking to be a serious gamer!

 

Catwoman – Arkham City

Selina Kyle is certainly deserving of an honourable mention in this list. Her appearances in Arkham City make for a real change of pace and are some of the more entertaining moments in game. Although you really feel for her comparative lack of speed and combat prowess, set against playing as the man himself: she plays like a cat! Stealthy, nimble, capable of getting into unexpected places, there are even subtle cat noises when she pulls off certain combos and finds items in-game.

Many kudos to her voice-actor, Grey deLisle, her voice actually purrs. Her dialogue perfectly complements the sultry movements of the classic batman villainess.

 


 

Now that the cat’s out of the bag about who our favourite cats in gaming, why don’t you join in the fun and discussion?

Let us know what your favourite cats in gaming are! Did you agree with our choices, or do you feel we ordered them differently to how you’d order them? As always, come join in the conversation and join us again next time for another awesome edition of Top 10.