Top 10 Weaponised Toys
What was once a symbol of childish innocence and the joyous revelries of youth so easily turned into an engine of death. Perhaps by design, by mistake, by technology or by mysticism, there’s nothing quite so creepy as a toy turned deadly. Despite their cuddly and fun exterior, you wouldn’t want your kids playing with these…
Or would you?
We are not in favour of child armies, but if you’re planning on equipping your offspring for the horrors to come, add these to the Christmas list. Here’s the Top 10 Weaponised Toys.
10) Super Bouncy Ball – Stick of Truth
Amidst those weapons available to the New Kid you can find some repurposed sports equipment, a few classic weapons of make-believe like the foil-wrapped sword, a few more … “suspect” items, and the Super Bouncy Ball. It’s a ranged weapon that bounces from target to target dealing massive damage to every enemy on the field.
Apparently there’s also a rather interesting glitch that combines it with one of the class skills, the Sling of David, replacing the rock with the bouncy ball for super-magic-bouncy-death! Among the childish inventory there are plenty of weapons of imagination that somehow become pretty deadly in the hands of the South Park kids, but the only toy we felt deserved a place on the list was this little rubber ball that bounces back bloody.
9) Toys (1992)
Alright, so when someone says the name “Robin Williams”, the ‘92 film about toy manufacturer Zevo and his efforts to keep his wares lighthearted and loving. A fairly transparent Willy Wonka parallel, but Zevo and his friends live charmed lives insider their manufacturing wonderland, rigorous testing and experiencing of every new product is a job for the man at the top and he is all too happy to undertake it.
Unfortunately Robin’s character doesn’t own the factory, it belongs to his military-minded uncle, who starts taking the delightful products of his brother’s factory and using them to recruit the young and impressionable into service. When Robin and his buddies discover the truth they take the factory to war, fighting fire with fire as it were. It’s not a bad film all told, and comes complete with a seriously dangerous arsenal of toys.
8) Teddy – Needless
Here’s an adorable cuddly bundle of love, far too heavy for most children to drag around their adventures in life, but not so for Mio of the Killer Girls Squad, an elite fighting agent working to protect the interests of the Simeon Corporation, and adorable little girl. Her Fragment (a sliver of a far greater power) gives her tremendous strength, utterly incongruous for a girl as tiny as she is. And that makes her cuddly toy a dangerous blunt instrument capable of delivering tremendous damage in her hands.
The specially made teddybear is nothing compared to the full-sized version. The one Mio most commonly uses is a field model, innocuous and easily carried on missions, but in their training facility labelled “Play Room” there is a fifteen foot high juggernaut in plush, and she tosses it around like a ball. When it lands it obliterates floorboards, musclebound demigods are crushed beneath its bulk, and Mio cracks a grin so wide it’ll break your heart… and your jawbone.
7) Bridget’s ‘Weapons’ – Guilty Gear
Bridget is one of the roster on fighting game franchise Guilty Gear, a series we’ve mentioned a few times in these Top 10’s in the past. Bridget is arguably the most famous character from the Guilty Gear series, as he wears a nun’s outfit which makes many people believe he’s a she. There’s a long story, involving how he was effectively born a boy, his parents made him grow up as a girl and now he wants to assert himself as a male, all the while wearing what he’s comfortable in.
This fighter’s arsenal includes a yo-yo and a mechanised teddy bear called roger. These weapons, albeit don’t do much to change Bridget’s image, are very deadly when wielded by him. From his yo-yo, allowing him to attack from a safe distance, to his teddy which he throws out, for it to come more or less to life. At least, momentarily, whilst Bridget then launches himself out.
6) Small Soldiers (1998)
What happens when a range of collectible action figures are implanted with a military AI chip? Probably not the events of 90’s family cheese-fest Small Soldiers, in which two rival factions of foot-high, fully articulated, plastic toys are “accidentally” equipped with missile control processors instead of the play-fighting microchips that were intended for them, leading to a full scale war that turns a small town upside down.
Despite their tiny scale, the Commando Elites forge weapons of destruction that they wield against the peace-loving Gorgonites with a view to wiping them from existence, no matter who gets in their way, even recruiting an unapologetic Barbie rip-off to join the fight. It’s full scale toy war, that ends in an awful lot of waste plastic.
5) Simulation – Enders Game
We briefly mentioned this one in a recent Top 10, so we thought we’d actually consider this one for this list. You’d need to understand the context of the final battle in Enders Game to actually appreciate this one, so this is a bit of a spoiler.
Our protagonist, Ender, along with his team, are trying to fight off an alien invasion. In the past, civilisation was almost wiped out by the Formics. Now, the military has recruited Ender Wiggins to try and fight off the wave upon wave of aliens. In each case that Ender and his team try to fight them off, they lose. In every possible scenario, they do not succeed. Frustrated, Ender decides to try a risky strategy, which ends up paying off.
Unfortunately, Ender doesn’t quite realise that on this final scenario, it wasn’t a simulation any more. The simulation they had become accustomed to was no more and they weren’t fighting to see if they could win any more: They had to win. The simulation, which had been helping them prepare for the war ahead of them, was actually the war itself. We treat this one as a weaponised toy, however that’s due to the fact that we play video games recreationally. But I say this one should be down to you guys: Does the simulation fit our theme of Weaponised Toys? Give us your votes now!
4) Monzaemon – Digimon
Digimon are digital monsters; they’re digital champions, did you know? But what if I told you that within the world of Digimon, there was a village of toys? What if I told you that within this toy village, there was also a shell of a high levelled digimon? What if I told you this digimon was listed in our first ever Top 10: Top 10 Bears? Yes, Monzaemon, is a Digimon who starts life as a humble teddy bear… Kind of.
See, it’s not actually confirmed if Monzaemon is actually originally just a normal teddy bear, except in the first Digimon World, in Digimon World it’s possible to evolve your Digimon into Monzaemon simply by getting your current Digimon to interact with the teddy costume. They go in through a slit in the back, then they’re taken over and consumed, becoming the cuddly, but scary faced teddy bear Digimon, Monzaemon. It’s so cute, that you’ll need to run from it.
3) Nerf Guns
These classic guns hurt more than feelings. Nerf started out making footballs, but are now legendary arms manufacturers for kids, all out foam wars have been waged with Nerf openly profiteering by playing all sides against their rivals. Oh they claim their wares are harmless, but clearly no one at Nerf has ever caught a dart in the cheekbone, right on the scalp, or somewhere else… tender.
Makers and purveyors of broken friendships, those of us who are aficionados of Nerf Guns have learned to carry an automatic rifle and a few side-arms, takes a while to load up a clip when you’ve spent the lot on a desperate gambit to reclaim the Mega Darts your rivals are hoarding to prevent another barrage. But when the chips are down, supplies are desperate, and the guys in the living room are sitting on a stockpile of pringles, you can always trust the Nerf at your side.
2) Hand Buzzer – The Joker
The Joker’s arsenal of weapons most famously stars a collection of knives, bombs, a gun that fires nothing more than a “BANG” flag. But when pushed, the weapon that really embodies the clownish facade must be the over-powered joy buzzer, the classic handshake prank that delivers an alarming jolt, amped up to incapacitate or kill, even the Bat feels it when the Mr J shakes his hand.
The original prankster has a veritable war-chest of toys, and a tendency to build evil lairs in theme parks and circuses, surrounding himself with clowns and performers of all kinds, just to really drive home his polar opposition to the Dark Knight’s dour exterior. He’s also far better at working with others, cooperating and coercing others into doing his bidding. Just never shake on a deal.
1) Chucky – Childsplay
Chucky tops our list for many obvious reasons. It’s a doll, a child’s doll, which becomes possessed by a murderer’s soul. The murderer, Charles Lee Ray, has no rhyme or reason in his miserable life, except to murder and as a Chucky doll, he’s got the same ridiculous strength, required to strangle the life out of his prey and he’s just as dangerous, if not even more so.
Chucky is often mentioned as one of horror’s most iconic characters, alongside classics such as Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger. Designed by taking two real life dolls and turning them into something far more creepy and sinister, it’s clear that the Chucky doll wasn’t supposed to be the evil that it became. But never mind that, the whole of this story is Child’s Play.
Somewhere deep in the bottom of the chest are the forgotten toys that go unplayed with, never again to know the joy of a child’s laughter, never again to know the sweet taste of blood. Watch your fingers when you reach these forgotten few, our honourable mentions may have sharp edges unsuitable for younger readers.
Let it rip! – Beyblades
Okay, let me be clear right now: We’re not actually talking about the Beyblades themselves. No, we’re talking about a weapon that can literally level the whole freakin’ planet. We’re talking about something so big, that it requires children playing a game to settle their differences. This isn’t just about some children playing a reckless game, we’re talking about the bit chips (Also known as the Bit-Beasts) on the Beyblades themselves.
You heard me! If you’ve never seen the anime, or indeed what a Beyblade is, you’ve been missing out on the core defenders of the world. A bit chip is a tiny little graphic that is put on the top of your Beyblade, to give them the power of the beast contained within. But in the anime, those bit chips were so much more than a picture. They were a literal dragon inside of your Beyblade. They were the difference between you winning or losing. The Beyblades had different attack stats; the bit chips added towards said stats. In reality, it was probably just down to how heavy your Beyblade was.
Before I go any further with this entry, please note we’re not suggesting that Robots on Robot Wars are actually toys. In fact, I’d like to preface this whole section by explaining that the robots you see on the show are very real and very dangerous. You wouldn’t want the flywheel of Matilda to come at you, because trust me, you’d likely lose a limb in the process. However, we couldn’t help but get our thinking caps on a bit.
What if, just what if, someone designed a robot out of old toy components? Think about it; it’s the perfect guise to transform some old toys into a war machine. So whether or not you think your Scalextric set is good enough to become a powerful flipper; or if you just think the motor in your remote controlled car is actually a good fit for a powerful fighting robot, all I have to say to you is: 3, 2, 1… ACTIVATE!
No more playing around, our list is done. Before we tidy away for the night and clean up the carnage left in our wake, feel free to help us decide what Top 10 we toy with next week.
Was your favourite toy in our line-up? What plaything of mass destruction have we neglected, or unjustly given credit to where none was deserved? Talk to us in the comments down below, on Facebook, Reddit or Twitter.