Top 10 – Killer Fish
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the internet…
They do say that worse things happen at sea, but frankly any large body of water can hold a variety of toothy, poisonous, bloodthirsty or otherwise deadly aquatic horrors. And water… deadly, deadly water.
For this week’s list we are exclusively looking at the fish that kill by whatever means necessary, from the mighty shark to the devouring piranha swarm, dangers of the deeps to bleeders in the shallows, if it swims, if it kills, (if it’s an aquatic cartilaginous chordate) it was given due scrutiny.
Are you hooked yet? Can we bait you further? Something about the net? Here’s the list…
10) Holy Mackerel – Team Fortress 2
Bonk! Boink! – Scout.
The Scout is an odd class which relies on being incredibly quick and agile. Able to take out big tanks, but suffers at the hand of sentries, the Scout is cocky and arrogant. So much so, he’s willing and very happy to insult you as he makes sure you meet your demise. From bragging about eating Heavy Weapons Guys sandwich, to drinking BONK! Energy drink, the Scout is the ultimate braggart.
To make matters worse, you can switch out The Scout’s baseball bat. Now most people would change this to some other melee weapon, but not me. I decided that the Holy Mackerel is the ultimate killing machine. Not only do you get your kills, but you get to humiliate your opponents too. Whenever you hit someone with this, you get a unique hit counter, showing how many times you slapped your foe with a wet fish. Hah!
9) Swordfish – Larp et al
It’s funny, because it’s a sword and a fish. Amongst those LARPing groups for whom seriousness is less important there’s a more open approach to the notion of a weapon that limits size, weight, and actual lethality, but shape is entirely up to you, resulting in bread batons, stop signs, and of course, swordfish.
LARPers aren’t alone either, it’s a classic bit for cartoons, comics, and games. It’s an awful pun, and it stopped being funny a long time ago, and yet on it goes. Pirates of the Caribbean also features a not so subtle sawfish blade held by Cursed Pirate “Crash” 2. See? Fish are ripe for slapstick.
8) Seaking – Pokemon
Some Pokemon are born to be greater than the sum of their parts. I mean we have the mighty Magikarp, who you would think should have made this list once it turns into the mighty Gyarados – But honestly, that would have been the easiest answer. I then thought of the incredibly tricky Stunfisk, but that just wasn’t good enough. I then decided to go for the one fish who often gets overlooked, but has a whole meme dedicated to him.
Seaking is an odd Pokemon – You can have female Seakings, which don’t make them Seaqueens… But nevermind that. These great big goldfish imposters are armed with a massive horn on its head. Couple this with the fact that it likes to charge right at its opponents, Seaking is quite the deadly fish. You wouldn’t want to meet one of these in a dark part of the ocean!
8) Slaughterfish – Elder Scrolls Series
Those who wander a little deeper into the rivers, lakes and coasts of Tamriel may be unfortunate enough to encounter one of the more common species of the Elder Scrolls series, the gnarly toothed slaughterfish. You can tell they’re the bad fish because of how ugly they are, but the scales are good for resisting the cold and they’re a decent meal in a pinch.
The problem with slaughterfish isn’t that they’re particularly damaging, but when you’re up to your neck in water then they’re not only impossible to see but it’s also impossible to wield a weapon or cast a spell, so it’s a mad dash for shore so that you can get in a few shots before the damn thing swims off. They’re hard to spot from above too, because the reflections make it difficult to see beneath the surface. All in all your average fight with a slaughterfish is a panic of spinning and swimming, and it only gets worse if there’s two.
6) Shark – Deep Blue Sea
To be entirely honest, Jaws was kind of a boring shark. Possibly a masterwork of cinematography and film making, but Jaws itself pretty much just pops up, breaks things and eats people. It may have taken some sci-fi level genetic engineering but the sharks of Deep Blue Sea were so well created that they could swim backwards, coordinate plans, and even break narrative rules.
In a film with Samuel L. Jackson you’d expect him to at least live long enough to die at the end, but no such luck! That’s one of the more famous little twists, but not even the love interests both make it out alive, and the comedy relief and his parrot even manage to think their way to the end! And that’s why we’re not allowed to use sharks to cure cancer.
5) Piranha – Film series
Because what’s more deadly than one killer fish? All of them, that’s right! And why not, I’m far more terrified of a pack-hunting predator who can strip a cow clean in a matter of seconds than I am of one big fish who only has to die once. Way back in 1978 Joe Dante recognised some real potential for a slasher-flick villain in these bloodthirsty nippers, and used them as a spoof of none other than Jaws himself, overblowing the action, blood and acting to ridiculous proportions.
The parody led to a sequel (directed by James Cameron would you believe), a remake, and a franchised pair of films made only a few years ago which were as dumb and hilarious as the cast, the gleefully hammy acting, and the massive charicature of the monster horror film as the original. The genetically angered piranhas can live in freshwater, saltwater, chlorinated water, water that’s mostly blood, and for a surprising amount of time out of water altogether, and anyone in that water, near that water or gasp made of water should be exaggeratedly terrified.
4) Dagon – Lovecraft
One of the better known elder things after Cthulhu itself, and most well known for the story A Shadow Over Innsmouth. Dagon lives somewhere deep beneath the sea, and commands a small legion of semi-religious followers, a cult that spreads across the world but has it’s main focus in a small coastal town in Massachusetts.
The people of Innsmouth know the face of their god, they have received his gifts of bountiful fish and grand treasures, and his promise of life everlasting beneath the sea, but in order to adapt for that life they have had to accept a certain extra “gift”. The families are infused with the blood of Dagon, and the shambling fish people live in their flooded sewers and in the hidden chambers with tunnels linking directly to the ocean.
Oh no, it’s a tornado coming our way! That’s no ordinary tornado though: That’s a Sharknado! The infamously cheesy ‘Bad films’, which are so over the top that they’re actually amazing, had to make this list. If sharks weren’t allowed in, then of course they wouldn’t even be considered: But the amount of damage the Sharknado does is absolutely astronomical when you compare it to most of the other fish on this rather smelly list!
Okay, so let’s not lie about it: if you had to pick between the Sharknado or the Sharktopus, you would want to rush into the Sharknado more. At least you have a one in a billion chance of survival against that thing. SyFy sure knew how to make you hold your breath with anticipation – Because a Sharktopus is twice as bad as a normal shark, twice as bad as a normal octopus – and it is a combination of the two of them! SyFy, keep up the great (bad) work! We love these cheese-fests.
2) Cheep Cheeps – Mario
With a name like Cheep Cheep, it’s hardly a surprise that they would get a cheap entry to this list. But perhaps they don’t get the entry as easily as you might think. They’ve been around in gaming for such a long time now, that they could be considered the oldest killer fish in video games history. I mean, Seaking has nothing on the amount of kills a Cheep Cheep has wracked up!
These gits will just swim towards you indefinitely, in hopes to catch you out. They first appeared in world -1 in Mario, the underwater levels. Now, don’t worry, it’s not like they’re just an easter egg, as they make a serious appearance near the end of the game. If you don’t have fire breath, then you should make sure you’re invincible, as when these wannabe goldfish touch Mario, you’ll get that sinking feeling.
1) Gyo – Tokyo Fish Attack
Here I shamefully profess my limited knowledge of Gyo, it has been on my to-do list for far too long, but it’s easy to see why. Gyo follows a young couple fighting to survive in a city under attack by fish on mechanical legs, generating a powerful stench that sickens and infects those who smell it, and also powers the mechanical legs… somehow. The real threat here is the mechanical legs which use biological hosts to generate the weaponized infection that also powers itself, but the ship carrying the prototypes sank…
What the hell Japan? I watch enough anime to at least start to get a hint of feeling like I’ve seen every strange thing the human imagination can conjure, and then you drop the spider-legged great white shark with deathstink on us?
Everything I’ve seen of Gyo makes me want to watch it, it’s creepy. A city filled with creeping fish, every essential function overwhelmed by the droves of fish, the spectral plague that seizes control of those it infects. Japan are the masters of horror, and it’s exactly this level of absurd and horrifying that has made them really stand apart in the field.
Not all fish are as big and as bad as our list above, but hey, that’s okay. We’re still going to show you some more big fish to tackle the above question of killer fish. Now, let’s see how well we can distort the word “killer”, shall we?
Big Fish Games
Do Big Fish Games actually go around killing people? No, of course they don’t. That’d be a dreadful business practice and that’d be down right stupid. But thankfully, they don’t murder people, but they are indeed killers. Time killers that is!
These guys have been around the block for quite a long time: Amongst the best in the business of casual games. They’ve created some seriously good titles amongst their casual collection, including all of their millions of search titles, where you try to find items in a list in a rather cluttered room. Hey, who could forget the legendary Cake Mania games? Legendary, if just because they’re so highly successful for a casual franchise. Clearly, they’ve killed a lot of time.
Phishing – For killing your bank accounts
Be careful online, is amongst the typical advice people like to give us. They tell us to watch out what we click on, for with one wrong click, we might end up giving away all of our details. Whether it’s information about an account we run, or it’s our bank details, people are able to get ahold of this key information through a very sneaky method known as Phishing.
By pretending to be someone they’re not, hackers are able to send emails to people, which we call Phishing emails. They contain links and look very official, saying that you should click this link immediately. Perhaps they’ll contain it as a competition. Usually, a phishing email is easy enough to spot, but sometimes, just sometimes, they’ll be disguised incredibly well. Be vigilant on the internet: There are some bad people out there! But not all hackers do this, so don’t worry – You probably won’t be specifically targeted.
We caught you, hook, line and sinker – Yes, we’re now done counting down our Top 10 Killer Fish. You thought it couldn’t be done, but don’t fret, we were splashing about a bit on this one before we came up with our list. You almost had us reeling, but we swam against the tides a bit and managed a list so . Now it’s over to all of you to decide what our next Top 10 should be: Whether it’s something we find shockingly easy, or freakishly hard, that is up to you!
Hopefully we didn’t bait you into clicking onto this week’s Top 10, but it’d not be the same without you! We’ve been acting all slimey and as the weeks go by, our puns only get more and more fishy. You could say they scale up over time, but I digress, it’s now over to you, dear reader! Let us know: Did we forget any cool killer fish? Was our order any good? As always, share your thoughts in the comments below, or over on Facebook, Twitter and Reddit.