Top 10 Creepy Toys
Not going to lie here, I’m beginning to be a little bit worried about our lovely readers. Just the other week, they chose the Top 10 Death Noises in gaming and this week, we have to delve deep into the 90s and earlier (realistically) for a pick of creepy toys? Jeez guys, you sure do know how to pick the topics. But I mean this could have been a lot worse – At least they’re all toys, which means we can play with them and love them and cherish them… Right? Not these freaks.
Every time you see a toy you know about, I want you to imagine the pure terror that’d be going through some kids mind. The unadulterated fear of opening a present to see these beady eyes, these horrible mouths… Yuck! But alas, we’re not here to simply talk about creepy toys, it’s our sworn duty as the writers of the GeekOut South-West blog to decide what we feel are the Top 10 Creepy Toys.
This was a low entry spot because the game itself isn’t creepy what so ever. It’s a fun little game, where you have to get pieces out of a man, so you’re performing an operation on him, exactly as it says on the tin. That’s great… But did you ever stop to consider for just a minute that this is a game that’s teaching children to reach inside of a man who has clearly not been put to sleep… and rip out bits and pieces from him?
Digest that (no pun intended) if you will, these children, the bright future of tomorrow, were reaching into a man who was wide awake and pulling bits out of him. It’s creepy enough that this is literally a game of nurses and doctors to the next level… But this takes the biscuit. As well as this, I’ve never seen a nose be as red as the guy who is undergoing the operation. If you touch anything except for the exposed bits you need to reach, his nose lights up, presumably meaning you’re surging electricity through the mans whole body, a shocking, painful reminder that failure in an operation is truly the difference between life and death.
… Or we may have looked too far into that one.
9) Policeman Wenlock
The mascots of the London Olympics in 2012 were about as questionable in nature as the suggestive logo, and we were bombarded with reminders of those embarrassments daily as we went about our daily business by a plethora of merchandise and memorabilia that remains an ever-present force in bargain-bins and charity shops nation-wide. Creepy? No… not all of it anyway…
I bought this toy last week and although it arrived quickly and it seems to be well made, I have some concerns. Every fifteen minute since I’ve opened it out of the packaging, it will shout phrases such as ‘I AM THE EYE OF PROVIDENCE’, ‘PAX ROMANA’ and ‘THE SECRET IS WITHIN THE GREAT PYRAMID OF GIZA’.
I cannot find the source of the sound on the toy (speaker, etc) and I cannot find a battery compartment either. It’s beginning to worry me very much as my dog will do nothing apart from stare at it incessantly for hours on end until he collapses from exhaustion. When he wakes up, he will continue to stare again. He is unresponsive to anything and he is becoming extremely emaciated.
8) Ronald McDonald Toys
Nothing says happy quite like a clown who is selling you obesity in a box, right? So naturally, all of the children of the world must want an actual toy of this clown to adorn their bedrooms at night, watching them in their slumber, waiting… To be picked up again for another day of making Pennywise look like the wiser choice of clown.
But in seriousness, there’s something outlandish about clowns in general. I’m not trying to insult them in any way here, that’s not what I’m getting at. It’s more the premise of having a toy which is a clown that sells you deep fried fries and burgers which are full of additives, then taking home the likeness of the clown home with you. If there’s something to be said about being subliminal and using product placement to an extreme advantage, this is it.
7) Play-Doh Dr. Drill ‘n’ Fill
Those of you weirded out by teeth may wish to skip to number 6. Dentistry has always been a profession subject to a little fear, especially from kids, so what better way for them to overcome that fear than by taking up a little amateur work on their own?
Or let’s just encourage children to go power-drill happy on teeth! Why not fill them full of sugar before hand? That seems fun! Of course as the Play-Doh blends in colour the result is something that resembles the classic James Bond villain Jaws. Well done kids, you made a monster.
The much maligned Troll Doll is the butt of many a joke. Who could hate the classic 90’s pencil topper? Stubby little limbs, with a head about a foot wide allowing those glassy eyes to gaze far into the endless distance from beneath a raging tempest of vibrant colour?
Yeah, troll dolls are messed up. But perhaps the worst part isn’t the vacant expression and distinctive hair, it’s that they were, almost exclusively, naked. A simple thing to forget as you stare back into eyes that witnessed the Carebear extermination of ’98.
5) The Face Bank
Children are taught from a young age to truly appreciate the value of currency, as it is how they will pay their taxes in the future and buy their houses. Naturally, you want your children to grow up being smart individuals, knowing how to wisely invest their money and save accordingly. The savings part is especially tricky when they have so many toys to go out of their way and buy, thanks to the latest television advert which plagues our screens and even our smart phones (which, increasingly, children are wandering the streets with).
So why, pray tell, would a parent ever give their child this monstrosity of a money box? I mean wouldn’t a simple little box with a slit in it have sufficed? Why do you want your children to put their fingers next to this motorised, rubberised mouth? It looks like something that has been spat out of hell just for being too creepy. Perhaps this is the face of capitalism? Perhaps what this Face Bank is trying to tell you is just how ugly and distorted greed and savings can be… Or perhaps it was designed to be cute, came out completely wrong and the rest truly is history. We’ll never know the answer to this, but you can buy your very own Face Bank off of Amazon.
4) Jibba Jabba
Somebody figured out that you could put a mini groan tube into the head of a toy and it’d make a funny noise when kids shook it. So let’s make that neck nice and long and springy shall we?
It’s less irritating to listen to than a normal groan tube, but really think about what’s taking place here. The only way to make it “talk” is to shake it violently. Grab it by the throat and shake it ’til it makes sense, until it all makes sense! Pass the behaviour onto your children, I’m sure that won’t have any lasting effects, or instil any kind of fear of clowns.
The iconic creepy toy, which is usually seen haunting films and children’s nightmares. You see, the Jack-In-A-Box was made with the intention to give you a bit of a surprise at the end of winding the box up. With its iconic jingle and the turning of the handle, you know that every single crank of that handle makes it more likely that this insane psychopath on a spring is going to jump out of the box, brandishing a weapon of some description. Ready to wreck homes and lives forever, the Jack-In-A-Box is ready to meet its maker and destroy it.
Or it’s actually just a little character within a box on a spring, but honestly the amount of people, child and adult alike who don’t like these is astounding. There’s something to be said for jump scares – Something we have absolutely no understanding of here. What I’m implying is that the Jack-In-A-Box truly was the original jump scare. Have at you, “FNAF”!
2) Cabbage Patch Kids
You know they’re still making these? Cabbage Patch Kids have tiny faces lost in a gigantic head topped with wool, and perhaps weirdest of all is that each one comes with it’s own adoption papers! They even have a narrative in which they are hand stitched into birth, spawned in a magic cabbage patch. None of this cutesy façade changes the fact that one line in the range tried to eat children!
There was an urban legend that if a Cabbage Patch Kid was ever returned the company issued the customer with a death certificate, but even without that eerie visual these half-vegetables still terrorised three decades of children and parents, and yet their popularity has yet to dwindle, although there have been no repeats of the Cabbage Patch Riots of 1983.
The undisputed king/queen of the creepy toy comes with some tales of a real life Furby, doing real life things in a real life world.
There was a Furby I knew once, that went so completely wrong that it was registering a few words that people said and mashed them together. This was after a long period of use, but let me stress how creepy this Furby was. At the middle of the night, it would randomly turn on and shout “AAAH! LOUD NOISE!” when there was no loud noise. Startling enough, but clearly not creepy – Just really annoying.
However, things got worse when one day it froze. It stuttered and then when it was reset, it got a “virus”. This was a known thing for Furby’s, when they would actually become “unwell” due to some unspecified reason. So they would start making “achoo” noises and “eeh” sort of noises. It would tell you its discomfort. It would groan and moan and it would say things like “me scared…” “me hungry…”
Then it begun. It started to say “Me love you” a lot… It got worse though, when it heard a passerby say again after it said its usual “Me love you”. “Me love you… again!” it said… On a loop… Furby’s man, the undisputed creep of creeps. The Me love you… again loop reminds me heavily of this amazing sound deep within the files of Mother 3.
Okay, so we’ve seen what we think are the creepiest toys out there, which is great. You’ve seriously let us unleash hell upon the world, looking at the great and the grim… But that’s not all we have in the land of creepy toys. Oh no…
Ashens Poundshop Reviews
British YouTuber and proud goatee sporter Stuart Ashens rose to prominence on the back of his reviews of pound-shop toys (dollar-store to those of you across the pond). Almost exclusively a collection of ill-fitting accessories, screw-holes, and the occasional masterpiece of packaging, the toy whose entire reverse side is hollow. Way to save on plastic guys!
Then of course there’s the classic face that’s printed a little too far off the mark, resulting in darkly twisted monsters that most certainly do not resemble a trademarked property. The trademarked property have quality control!
Check out Ashens channel, we’re fans here at GOSW, and we’re sure you’ll love him too.
“But Gizmo was so cute!” I hear you screaming at your monitors, you restless readers and you’d be right. He was damn adorable and needed to be cuddled, not put in a bath (Never put him in a bath kids.) But Gizmo and Gremlins in general was quite a terrifying idea. These adorable little seemingly harmless creatures having some water splashed on them and they become mutated monsters of destruction.
To make this worse though, they then went ahead and made Gizmo/Gremlin toys… Can you picture this authors surprised face when he accidentally got some water over his and ended up living to tell the tale? It was actually less creepy and more disheartening, but I was too curious not to try. Then I lost all of my fears of Gremlins after that day.
Well if this issue of Top 10 wasn’t too creepy for you and you stuck around, what do you think about our list? Did we do a good job, or did we fail miserably to recognise the creepiest toys in the world? To be clear though, we didn’t want to use any customised/altered toys… and things that are made to intentionally be creepy were left out. We left in all of the things that were meant in good spirit, but ultimately appears to be pretty creepy.
We took a suggestion from last weeks Top 10 and put it in the mix of votes for this week – So please do go ahead and cast your vote (You don’t need to register or anything to do so!) What should our next Top 10 be? Why not let us know why you chose it in the comments below, or just let us know how good or bad we did this week. Would you change the list at all, even the ordering? What do you think about the Furby storming the number 1 slot? Let’s talk about the Furby! Thanks as always, please don’t forget to check out our Facebook and Twitter pages.